How Snooker and Spots Fell Out
Star Green ‘un, Saturday 01 December 1923
A Billiards Battle
By C. P.
Scene: Billiard hall in the city. A heated argument arises between two players.
Snooker (loudly): Ah tell thee, it worra cannon.
Spots: Ah Ah say it worn’t a cannon.
Snooker: (heatedly): Tha can say what tha likes, burra say the’ worra cannon.
Spots (fiercely): Ne’er mind what tha says.
Snooker: An’ ne’er mind what tha says.
Spots (confidently): Ah tell thee the worn’t a cannon theer.
Snooker (getting excited): An Ah tell thee agen the’ worra cannon.
Spots (disdainfudy): Curraht! Don’t talk daft !
Snooker (eyeing him over): Daft! Who’s talkin’ daft, eh?
Spots: Tha art.
Snooker: Ah should be if Ah wer ta let thee ‘ave thi own road, but the’s nows doin’. Ah’m purrin’ that cannon on, ne’er mind thee, see!
Spots (hot having it): Ah, but tha’rt not.
Snooker (on the job): Ah, burrah am.
Spots: Well, Ah say th’art not.
Snooker (moving up): An Ah say Ah am, ne’er mind thee. Anybody could see it worra cannon.
Spots (having made up his mind): Ah know! The wer on’y thee as saw that cannon, nob’dy else did.
Snooker (still at it): Alreight! Ah know whether it worra cannon or not. Ah played it.
Spots (warming up to it): Ah, an’ Ah watched it. Ah’m not blind, tha knows.
Snooker (intent on having his cannon): Tha must be if tha couldn’t see a cannon like that.
Spots (sarcastically): Like what?
Snooker (seriously): Like that one.
Spots (smiling): Gie o’er ‘avin’ thisen on! The wer no cannon there, so that settles it.
(He proceeds to carry on with the game)
Snooker (vigorously): ‘Ere, owd on! Owd on! Ah’ve a say in this game besides thee!
Spots (pausing): ‘As ta?
Snooker (going strong): Ah, Ah ‘ave, an’ Ah’m ‘avin’ that cannon, or else tha can pay fa’ t game, see!
Spots (dropping ihs cue): Oh, art’a? Who says tha aht, eh?
Snooker: Ah say Ah am, else Ah’m jackin’ up.
Spots: An’ who’s payin’ fa’ t’game if tha jacks up?
Snooker: Not me, tha can bot!
Spots: An’ dos’ ta thing Ah shall or summat.
Snooker (not bothered): Tha can please thisen, Ah shan’t. Ah’m either ‘avin’ that cannon or else Ah’ve finished, see!
Spots (flaring up): Well let me tell thi tha ‘asn’t an’ another thing—tha’ll not put that cannon on while Ah’m ‘ere!
Snooker (confidently): That’ll not bother me. Ah shan’t pay mi corner.
Spots (angrily): Ah, but tha will.
Snooker: Ah, burrah shan’t.
Spots (fiercely): Well, Ah say tha will.
Snooker (not alarmed): Tha does, an’ who art tha?
Spots: Ah’ll show thee who Ah am if tha wants td try and bi awkward.
Snooker: Awk’ard! Ahs ta mean?
Spots: Never mind ah do Ah mean. Ar’tha goin’ on wi’t’game or are we payin’ us own?
Snooker (firmly): Ah’ve telled thi what Ah’m doin’t an’ that’s final.
Spots: Perhaps!
Snooker: The’s no perhaps abaht it!
Spots (warming up again): I’n’t the’? Ah’ll show thee.
Snooker (slyly): That might!
Spots: The’s no ‘might’ abaht it. What is it, ah or no?
Snooker: It’s no! What’s tha thing?
Spots (clearing for action): Right ‘o! Ah’ll tak it aht on thi another road. Come on, shuy ‘em up! Ah’ll show thi!
(And straight away the battle starts, the combatants rolling all over the floor, cash in turn being uppermost. Eventually they attract the marker for time and finish in “both” games)
Marker (as he pulls them apart): Cum on ‘ere, break away! If yer want td scrap gurraht side. It’s time on this table an’ all. Who’s payin’?
Snooker (on the job): Not me!
Marker: Na come on, let’s ‘ave owd, else Ah’ll fetch some’dy as’ll mak yer pay—an’ quick! Nah what’s it to be?
Snooker (dubious of the law): Tak mine aht’n that.
Marker (to Spots): What abaht thine, eh?
Spots (handing over): ‘Ere’! Think tha sen lucky tha’s gorrit.
Marker: Right! Na ahteide, both on yar, if ya want ta argue t’tors.