ARREST OF MR. SNOOKER POOLE IN GERMANY
By Spencer Leigh Hughes
(“Sub Rosa”).
I have received an unsettling communication from a respectable gentleman named Snooker Poole, in which he relates some recent adventures in Germany. He is an ardent Tariff Reformer, and is the President (and at present the only member) of the Grand National Amalgamated Society for the Abolition of the Multiplication Table. Having read many accounts of Germany as the modern Paradise, he resolved to visit the Fatherland, and to pick up a few hints for the guidance of simple John Bull. The success of his trip was, however, completely marred by the fact that he was repeatedly arrested as a spy, and though he was invariably acquitted he spent most of his time in prison. He sends a report of his trials to me, hoping they may prove useful to others.
THE FIRST ARREST.
On the first day of his sojourn in the Fatherland, having just recovered from a distressing attack of sea sickness, he went to a restaurant for food. Being anxious to ingratiate himself with the ferocious-looking proprietor and the war-like waiters he ordered sausage, and about half a yard of that delicacy, with a diameter equal to that of a fire engine hose, was produced. Mr. Snooker Poole is a man of fine literary taste, and he remembered that some years ago Mr. George R. Sims wrote the following deathless line:-
“The sausage its mystery hideth.”
As Mr. Poole was avowedly on a tour of inspection, and was anxious to obtain information by means of practical research and personal investigation, he began to examine the true inwardness of that sausage. Fixing on his glasses, he glared into recesses of the mystery, and his industry was rewarded before long. For he was able to establish to his own satisfaction, at any rate, the equine origin of the food owing to the fact that a horseshoe nail was embedded therein!
A RASH ACT.
He had just wiped the nail clean, and put it in his pocket, when he was seized by two tremendous German police, each armed to the teeth, and was hurried off to prison. The next day he was brought before a special court and tried before 150 masked Judges, the charge being espionage! The prosecution said that it was an unusually bad case, as the sausage of the Fatherland had done more than anything else to make Germany known and feared throughout the world. If foreigners learnt the ingredients of that great national asset they would be in possession of the secret of Germany’s greatness. At this point all the 150 masked Judges said “Hoch,” and the prosecuting counsel asked them what they thought Frederick the Great would have done to an insolent foreigner who poked bis godless nose into a matter so vital to national defence. So on this count in the indictment the prosecution demanded the death of Snooker Poole!
OTHER CHARGES.
In addition to the charge of trying to obtain information in a treasonable manner. Mr. S. Poole was accused of stealing Army stores. A great man from the Army Council in Berlin proved that the horseshoe nail found in the wretched man’s pocket had been used for shoeing a horse in a famous Uhlan regiment. Thus the Englishman was not only guilty of attempting to remove military stores, but also he had, with infernal cunning, found out how the shoes of horses in the German cavalry are attached to the hoof. It was high time, said the counsel, that these spying methods were stopped, and so he claimed that in addition to being put to death on the first charge, the infamous Snooker should he executed on the second. A minor point, brought forward under the civil code, to the effect that the wretched man had left the restaurant without paying his bill was held to render him liable to seven years.
THE DEFENCE.
Mr. Snooker Poole then submitted his defence, addressing the Court through an interpreter. He denied with much spirit having poked his nose into the sausage, adding that had he done so he should not have been alive that day. (Laughter.) Only a German would have sufficient bravery to do that. (Applause.) Moreover, his nose was not, as bad been alleged, godless, but was orthodox, and had been baptized and confirmed with the rest of him. The Judges made a note of this point about the nose, and reserved the question to be submitted to the Court Chaplain. Mr. Poole continued that he had no evil intent in analysing the sausage, but was fascinated by it, even as travellers are thrilled by the Pyramids, the North Pole, the Kaiser’s moustache, and other wonders of the world. In regard to the smaller matter of leaving the restaurant without paying the bill, the accused pleaded that It was not a case of go as you like, but of go as you damned well must with him, as he had been convened by a method of involuntary progress known as “the frog’s march”—a phrase which the interpreter had some difficulty in explaining to the Court.
VERDICT AND SENTENCE.
The 150 Judges consulted in private and then gave their decision. In regard to putting his nose into the sausage Mr. Snooker Poole was acquitted, for German science (the best in the world – hoch!) had decided that no man could do this and live. As to whether his nose was godless or not, the Court ruled that this was beyond its jurisdiction, the chaplain declaring that all that could he stated with certainty was that it was what the miserable British people defined as PUG, or of that sort on which a hat may be hung. The question of the nail was a more serious matter, and the Court, first of all said that it must be unconditionally surrendered. If that were done, all the requirements of the case would he met if the prisoner consented to eat the sausage in open court. Mr. Snooker Poole said that if the Court had no objection he much preferred death, but it was ruled that he must not indulge in “back-chat” with their Lordships. and so the unhappy man had to get the stuff down. One immediate consequence was that he announced that he was from that moment a Free Trader, and he gave “three cheers for Cobden,” the Court adding one “Hoch” as a proof of international amity.
THE NEXT TROUBLE.
Our friend having thus escaped, resolved to be very careful in future, but he was soon in trouble again. He took a trip on the Rhine from Cologne to Mainz, and at first all went well, and he thought his trials were over. Indeed, he engaged in polite conversation with his fellow travellers, speaking German in a manner that revealed his British nationality all to clearly. To one gentleman who had been watching him grim attention he remarked that the Rhine was a large river, and the only reply vouchsafed was a suspicious grunt. To another he said that the ruined castles on both sides were very picturesque, and he examined them through field-glasses. The man to whom he made the remark jotted down a note in a pocket-book. A little later Mr. Poole took out bis watch, and said he thought it was about time for luncheon. Immediately he was arrested for the second time, was dragged from the boat, loaded with irons, locked up, and told that he would be examined before the Spy Court.
THE SECOND TRIAL.
This time he had to confront 200 specially-selected Judges-civil, military, and naval— the latter being brought in owing to the fact that the alleged offence had been committed when the prisoner was afloat. The prosecution pointed out that the malefactor had examined through field-glosses German castles, which, though ruined, were of the nature of fortifications. He had not only noticed, but had mentioned, the size of the Rhine, which in places is a frontier, and, above all, he had insolently produced his watch. Experts had found out, and were prepared to swear to the fact, that the watch was of British manufacture — nay, was English. As the prisoner was on the Rhine at the time there could be no denying the damning fact that here was an English Watch on the Rhine. (Sensation.) If a great nation was going to stand that it would stand anything. (Applause.) So the counsel declared that death was far too good a fate for so insolent a scoundrel, and he claimed that Poole should not only he slaughtered, but should afterwards be made into sausages for export to his own degraded land.
THE SECOND DEFENCE.
Mr. Poole, taking up the last point first, said that in regard to the pleasant suggestion that he should be turned into sausages, he would rather not, hut he was in the hands of the Court. Were he turned into sausages for the consumption of their lordships he would have a chance of disagreeing with them before the event, and very seriously disagreeing with them afterwards. (Laughter.) Proceeding, the prisoner pointed out that his remark about the size of the Rhine had no sinister significance, and was of the nature of a commonplace. What would the Court have thought had he said that the Rhine was a measly, dribbling little stream? (Groans.)
ACQUITTED AGAIN.
The Court decided that while the authorities had been justified in making the arrest, Mr. Poole was entitled to an acquittal on the ground of insanity. He made no secret of the fact that he was English, and it was a well-established fact that all Englishmen were mad. It was true that probably he was not so big a fool as he looked, but that was because it was beyond the range of possibility for him to be so. (Laughter.) While acquitting him, the Court was of opinion that he ought to pay all costs-(cheers)-and of course the watch to which he seemed to attach but small value, would be confiscated that Mr. Snooker Poole might not like this decision, and it therefore gave him permission, in the interest of international amity, to lump it. (Loud cries of “Hoch”) The prisoner having observed “Rats!” and words to that effect, the proceedings ended, and once more he was free.
Reynolds’s Newspaper, Sunday 18 August 1912.